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This couple demonstrates that even an agreement as seemingly straightforward as monogamy has a relative meaning that each couple defines for themselves. As a construct, closed or monogamous agreements continued to hold currency for many couples, even for those who were not necessarily exclusive sexually. Several couples who permitted outside sex in one form or another used the vocabulary of monogamy when discussing their agreements.
For this participant, being monogamous in nearly every other aspect of his relationship e. Even though these couples allowed some degree of outside sex, the idea and label of monogamy remained an important fixture in their relationships and agreements. Most of those couples described agreements that were neither completely closed nor completely open, testifying to the overlap and fluidity of the different types of agreements reported by participants. What distinguished them, however, were the conditions couples placed on whether or not sex with outside partners was allowed and how those conditions limited sexual behavior.
Two conditions emerged most frequently: Several couples described agreements that allowed threesomes.
For most of these couples, sex with a third person was something they only did together and many of them made a point of qualifying it. One couple reported explicit rules to this effect. One participant said of his agreements regarding threesomes:.
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So one rule is that we will do it together…. We both should agree on the person we would like to be with us. And then safe sex, we have very safe sex. We are more into jerking off, touching the body, licking the body, but not sucking or rimming and things like that. Sometimes we kiss the person. We like to kiss, but that's the most we do. And we let the person know that we are a couple, we are together, and we have our rules.
That's so the person who joins us knows what's going on. For this couple, involving a third person was not a casual sexual act or something they took lightly. They had clear conditions or rules, including agreeing on who the third person would be and the types of sexual behaviors that they would do together, that limited sex with outside partners.
No other outside sex was allowed for this couple. Many other couples reported agreements that addressed the importance of separating physical from emotional intimacy with outside partners. Couples with this condition prioritized their relationship together by forbidding emotional connections with outside partners.
For another couple, allowing outside sex on the condition that they separated physical from emotional intimacy was an integral part of how they accepted sex as a natural part of their adult lives.
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And there are differences between sex and intimacy, making love. It can be two different things. So within the relationship it's understood that if one happens then that's all it would be. For these participants, sex with outside partners was only a physical, sexual expression, and because of their agreement to separate that from emotional intimacy their partners were not threatened by it.
Other conditions that limited sex with outside partners emerged less frequently, such as the request one participant made to his partner that they not have sex with friends or past lovers. The condition of separating physical from emotional intimacy with outside sex partners was central to how these participants reconciled their desire for sex with outside partners with their need or desire for a meaningful connection to and relationship with their primary partners.
Unlike the majority of couples with agreements that allowed sex with outside partners and who placed conditions that limited outside sex in some way, a small number of couples did not report any conditions that would limit sex with outside partners. Importantly, however, this should not suggest that their agreements were condition-less. The conditions reported by these couples instead focused on the requirement that there be honesty, respect, or discretion around having sex with outside partners. Outside that, these couples placed no other conditions on the sex they had with outside partners, and these arrangements seemed to work for these couples.
For some couples with open agreements, discretion meant they did not want to know or talk about outside sex. One participant was succinct: However, not all couples with open agreements felt this way.
Two participants reported discussing the sex they had outside their relationship with their partners. The other said he enjoyed hearing about the sex his partner had outside the relationship and that hearing about it turned him on. For those couples who chose to discuss outside sexual encounters, communication and honesty were central parts of their agreements and provided an additional level of security and intimacy. Discrepant agreements occurred when both partners reported agreements that were different enough so that there was little to no overlap in what their reported agreement was and what sexual behavior it allowed.
For example, in one couple, Partner 1 said that sex with outside partners was not allowed, although if his partner wanted to open the relationship, he was amenable to discussing the possibility. Interestingly, both partners not only described discrepant agreements about whether or not they allowed sex with outside partners, they also described different attitudes towards discussing outside partners: Thus, discrepancies sometimes appeared in multiple aspects of the same agreement. Alongside understanding the types of agreements reported by participants was the issue of whether there was parity in those agreements.
Parity was defined as both partners understanding their agreement in the same way and behaving accordingly. During the analysis, parity was examined alongside the issue of whether agreements were understood implicitly or explicitly. This was done to gain a more nuanced view of how participants understood their agreements and to see what effect parity and explicitness had on the agreement and the relationship more broadly.
Explicit agreements were defined as verbal conversations between partners about whether or not to allow sex with outside partners and how to handle it if it was allowed. Implicit agreements were defined as mutual understandings between partners about whether or not to allow sex with outside partners that may not have been articulated directly. After examining both parity and explicitness, it became clear that parity was linked with feelings of equity towards the agreement and the relationship more generally and that couples did not necessarily associate beneficial feelings towards their relationship with whether or not their agreement was explicitly understood.
In this regard, parity may be more important to the relationship, and to adhering to the agreement, than simply having an agreement that is explicit. In other words, how couples understood their agreements and how they behaved relative to them was just as important, if not more so, as having articulated the agreement and its boundaries explicitly.
The following couple illustrates this point well. Both partners reported having a monogamous agreement and described it as being implicitly understood. That's never really happened. Both partners' comments demonstrated parity regarding what the agreement was and what expectations went along with it. No, no sex with other people. I said no.
Neither partner reported breaking the agreement or suspecting the other partner of breaking it. Later in the interview, however, Partner 1 added that if he had ongoing suspicions, he would reconsider whether the relationship was right for him. If it would continue, if it was something that was consistent and I knew about it, then I guess I would have to end the relationship. Several couples, similar to the one above, did not report having explicit agreements or explicit conversations about their agreements.
These couples approached their agreements from the point of view that they could work even without being explicitly articulated. In this vein, one participant said that he felt the more explicit his agreement was the more mechanical it became. Yet, as the above couple shows, having an implicit agreement did not negatively impact the way they understood their agreement or their reported level of satisfaction and adherence. While parity was not necessarily problematic for many couples, non-parity presented potential for miscommunication and distrust. One such couple reported having a monogamous agreement; however, whereas one partner said it was explicitly understood, the other partner said it was an assumption that his partner made of their relationship.
Partner 2 commented:. There's an assumed agreement that we are in a committed relationship…. Yeah, a committed and monogamous relationship. And it's interesting that he didn't ask me exactly what I thought about it. I didn't have a way to express my own feelings about it. Partner 2 went on to explain that he found it difficult to remain monogamous because he was not always interested in having sex with his partner, which led him to seek sex with outside partners. Just having sex with someone, even if very brief, I tend to want it or to desire it.
Here, communication difficulties have contributed to discrepancies and a misunderstanding of the agreement, sexual behavior that falls outside of the agreement, and increased HIV transmission risk. In sum, the agreement types reported by couples covered a wide range of sexual behaviors, some of which permitted sex with outside partners and some of which did not. On the surface, sexual agreements seemed relatively straightforward.
However, once examined in the context of the everyday lives of the couples, agreements quickly grew in depth and complexity.
Monogamous agreements sometimes permitted sex with outside partners in some form and open agreements often had conditions that limited sex outside the relationship in some manner. Finally, parity, where both partners reported understanding their agreement in the same way, may have been more important when considering agreement satisfaction and adherence than simply the explicitness of the agreement.
Couples were motivated to have agreements for a variety of reasons, such as trusting and loving each other and giving their relationships structure and meaning. Importantly, however, findings showed that couples were not primarily motivated to have agreements in an effort to reduce HIV transmission risk. When HIV prevention was discussed in the context of agreements, many couples simply assumed safe sex without defining what that meant in terms of each partner's sexual behavior. Rather, most couples discussed their agreements in the context of their relationships. For example, trusting that one's partner would adhere to an agreement brought some couples closer together.
Trusting one's partner either to be monogamous or to adhere to the agreement to be safe with outside partners was a primary factor supporting the relationship for concordant negative couples. These couples were acutely aware that, if trust i. The relationship itself would also likely be negatively impacted. Many, like the following couple, reported feeling good that their relationship had such a deep level of trust. Partner 1 said:. And your level of trust with this person that is so strong.
And you're putting so much on the line: You're putting your health, your life, on the line that there's a real sense of strength that comes to the relationship for doing it, when you do something like that. So like I say, it elevated it to a new level of trust because obviously we have to trust one another. If we're going to be sexually active outside of the relationship, we have to trust each other not to be bringing STIs into the relationship, or HIV, or endangering one another in any way.
For this couple, and others like them, trust was not a source of anxiety or suspicion. Instead, they drew from their trust of one another a source of strength and pride in their relationship. For some couples in monogamous relationships, trust was heightened by an additional agreement, or clause, to tell each other—no matter what—if either partner broke the agreement by having sex with an outside partner.
We found that some couples who were fully committed to monogamy and who had no intention of breaking their agreement insisted that, if a break ever happened, they would tell their partner, no matter how difficult. This clause may have provided an additional level of trust in the relationship because no couple who had it reported a break in their monogamous agreement. Couples were also motivated to have agreements because they provided structure to the relationship i.
At a time when same-sex relationships are not acknowledged legally or approved of socially, and most gay couples lack role models for their relationships regardless of whether they are closed or open, many of the couples sought and found structure for their relationships in their agreements.
Participants reported that having an agreement helped them know where they stood with their partners and made them feel more secure in their relationships. Discussing the condition that he and his partner would separate physical from emotional intimacy when having sex with outside partners, one participant said that his agreement made him feel secure because he knew his relationship was not in jeopardy. Some couples were motivated by the sexual benefits to having an agreement. For example, one couple felt their agreement brought them closer together sexually because it helped facilitate their need for sexual satisfaction.
Others reported that their open agreements made sex between them more intimate because it was an expression of both physical and emotional intimacy. Still others were titillated by the thought of their partner having sex with someone else. Many couples who engaged in threesomes explained that bringing in an outsider added vigor and excitement to their sexual relationship.
One participant with such an agreement said:. I think it's nice because, of course, we all have fantasies and, in the relationship, it works very well…. And when you go out to places. Some couples were motivated by the fact that their agreement to allow sex with outside partners, for example, kept them from feeling trapped in or stifled by their relationship. One partner with an open agreement said:. The benefit is that, I mean, I don't feel trappe I have desires to do things with other men that are strong and very animalistic sometimes and I enjoy that aspect of my life and I like to act on it and not have to feel guilty or not feel like I'm repressing something that I feel like I would just naturally be willing to do.
And it's working for us. Others felt good that their relationship was unique and that they avoided replicating more traditionally heterosexual models of sexual relationships which they felt did not fit their lifestyle. One participant said:. I wouldn't want to be in a monogamous-sexually monogamous-relationship. The idea of, kind of, the heterosexual trip of getting married and pledging sexual allegiance to one person for the rest of your life and never having sex with anyone else for the rest of your life For these couples, creating agreements that were meaningful to and supportive of their lifestyles and sexual needs increased their feelings of satisfaction with their relationship as well as with their partners.
It was not uncommon for couples to report that their agreements about sex with outside partners had been broken.
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During the interviews, reports of broken agreements came in one of two forms: Sometimes those reports aligned so that both partners reported the same break. Other times, one partner reported a break while the other partner did not, although this did not necessarily mean that the break was not disclosed. All reports, whether or not they were acknowledged by both partners, were counted as broken agreements.
In total, there were 25 reports of broken agreements.
Given the wide range and variability of agreement types, it logically follows that the context in which agreements were broken was also varied. Reports of broken agreements ranged from a partner having kissed someone in a bar to a partner having had anonymous oral sex in a public environment to a partner becoming overly attached to an outside partner.
Types of breaks fell into two categories: As with agreement type, neither category was discrete and, based on the participants' reported experiences of broken agreements, there was a reasonable amount of overlap. For example, most broken agreements were met with some emotional response. The main difference between the two was that emotional breaks were characterized by the reaction to the break e. As such, structural breaks mostly affected couples whose agreements allowed sex with outside partners and, because the larger agreement was still intact i.
Each break was bound together by a unique set of circumstances, including the type of agreement that was broken, how it was broken, and the personal reactions to the break. Some participants reported breaks in their agreements that created emotional distance between themselves and their partners. Emotional breaks often constituted a violation of trust, intimacy, or commitment. In some cases, this distance threatened the longevity of the relationship, particularly if breaks were ongoing.
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For example, one participant reported that his partner frequently sought outside sex. Although they had open agreement without conditions that would have limited sex with outside partners, the participant expressed feeling uncomfortable with the frequency that his partner looked elsewhere for outside sexual contact. Like, he's breaking the agreement [by] going out so often. He doesn't really agree to, well, he does agree to it and then he still goes out three and four days a week and I think it's pulling us apart. I don't know how much longer we'll be together.
I always have a feeling he's seeing somebody else, although he denies it. Emotional breaks were experienced by couples reporting all agreement types. As the above quotation demonstrates, even couples with few formalized agreements can and do experience a break that carries significant emotional impact. For couples who allowed sex with outside partners, structural breaks specifically affected the conditions those couples placed on the sex they had with outside partners.
Examples include the condition to separate physical from emotional intimacy with outside partners or to not have ex-boyfriends as outside partners. Structural breaks violated those conditions and, as a result, not only threatened the relationship; they also threatened feelings of trust, commitment, and security because the conditions, as part of the broader agreement, protected couples from emotional injuries, such as jealousy and dishonesty. For example, an agreement, such as don't ask, don't tell, allows a couple to have outside sex while protecting them from knowing details that might upset partners and, in turn, threaten the stability of the relationship.
One participant who had an agreement with his partner not to bring outside sex partners back to their apartment admitted to breaking the agreement several times, not all of which he told his partner about. You know, I'm only human. Not all participants reported that structural breaks caused emotional problems in their relationships. One participant waxed philosophical about a recent structural break for which his partner was responsible.
The participant reported having an open relationship with the condition that he and his partner not become emotionally attached to outside partners. His partner, however, once found himself in a situation where he grew emotionally attached to an outside sex partner. When the outside partner canceled the dates his partner had set up for them, it hurt his partner's feelings. He said of the situation:. The guy backed out, saying he was too sick, his mother was in town and he couldn't leave her, blah, blah, blah….
So it made him feel kind of bad…because he got too involved with the guy. I mean, I didn't tell him I told you so, or nothing like that, but he knew what he did was kind of stupid…. So, you know, he kind of broke that rule, but that's, I mean, that's a rule for our relationship, but it's also sort of a rule of self-protection, like your emotions, so you don't feel, so you don't get hurt.
Whereas a break such as this might have created emotional tumult for some couples, this participant was able to handle it by reframing the break as a structural concern. That is, the condition was violated but not the participant's emotional feelings towards his partner or his feelings towards his relationship.
As a result, he was able to better deal with his partner and the break itself. Disclosure was central to the issue of broken agreements because, whether or not partners chose to disclose, agreement breaks significantly impacted the relationship and the sexual health of each partner. Despite the fear of angering their partner, most participants who disclosed the broken agreement felt the resulting discussion made both the relationship and the agreement stronger.
For example, one participant described how he broke his agreement to be monogamous and how disclosing the break led him and his partner to reconsider their agreement and to open their closed relationship. The break occurred early in the relationship, technically before he and his partner had agreed to be monogamous. At the time, his partner insisted on no sex outside the relationship, yet no formal agreements were made. Later in their relationship, while out shopping one evening, he stopped off at an adult bookstore where he had anonymous sex with another man inside a video booth. When he emerged from the store, his partner was waiting outside.
His partner had driven by and recognized his car. In working through the second break, the participant had the opportunity to explain to his partner that being monogamous was not working for him. After breaking his agreement to be monogamous twice, he suggested they open their relationship and, with time, they did. Reflecting back on the experience, he commented:. I broke the agreement and it had horrible consequences. But even then, I just thought, You know what? This isn't going to work for me this way. And that's what I was trying to say…. I've come to this realization that a relationship works because it works, not because it's like we've just seen [it in] a book or in a movie.
And I think [my partner] is still hunkering after that, but little by little he's realizing that what we have in some way is way better, I hope. Although there was emotional turmoil when he disclosed the break to his partner, he felt they came out of it for the better, in part because he was able to express what he truly wanted in his relationship, which gave them an agreement that worked rather than one that was socially prescribed. Not all participants who reported disclosing broken agreements experienced emotional fallout as a result. Some reported not feeling threatened by breaks because they felt that sex was a necessary physical release.
Consistent with open agreements that have conditions separating physical from emotional intimacy, many couples viewed sex as a normal urge or physical need, like exercise. As a result, he continued seeing, and having sex with, an outside partner during the first several months of his relationship. When his partner later confronted him about it, he said they were able to talk openly and honestly about it.
He said:. I mean, it wasn't something to worry about. Yeah, to be really worried about because that's normal. I mean, I know that we are young and we like other people and we are horny almost all the time, or at least I am, so we have to deal with that. We have to face it…and that didn't change our view of our relationship.
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This couple took a pragmatic approach when they dealt with this break in their expected agreement. They were able to factor in their sexual needs as well as their need for a more concrete agreement when they discussed the break. Some participants reported a delay in disclosure—in some instances, it was as long as several months—which was problematic when the truth finally came forward.
Delays in disclosure frequently resulted in mistrust, suspicion, and, on the behalf of the partner in the dark, anger at being kept from the truth. Commenting on his partner's recurring infidelity and reticence about disclosing it, one participant said:. So, okay, say we're supposed to be monogamous and each time [he's] like, Well, I'm never going to do that again or whatever. How can you say that you're not going to do it again? So I suppose the agreement is that we're not going to do it again, but like I don't believe that really. He later added that the distance created by his partner's reticence and unwillingness to be forthcoming about the truth made their sex less satisfying and made him feel less safe.
Undisclosed broken agreements presented complicated challenges for the relationship and for HIV prevention. Although many initially refrained from disclosing broken agreements because they did not want to hurt their partner, those who did not disclosure formed a wedge in the relationship, which left the partner who did not disclose feeling guilty and isolated. For some, those feelings created an ongoing distance in the relationship that was unresolved. With regard to HIV prevention, non-disclosure may increase HIV transmission risk, adding additional guilt and distance to the relationship.
One HIV-positive participant suspected that his HIV-negative partner had unsafe sex with outside partners, thus breaking their agreement to be safe when having outside sex. I recently know that [my partner] has been having unsafe sex…but I'm not quite sure how to bridge that. I've said a couple of times, whatever you're doing, I hope you're doing it safe. And I was like, if you aren't, I'll be really sad and I'll be here for you, but I don't feel as I once did that if you're HIV-positive then it's my fault.
Although disclosing a broken agreement was oftentimes difficult, analysis indicated that those participants who disclosed were better off in that they ended up with clearer, more satisfying agreements. Some even reported feeling closer as a couple. As demonstrated above, disclosure often led to increased communication about and renegotiation of the agreement.
In most cases, disclosing broken agreements and the renegotiation process that followed allowed parity to grow between partners and gave couples the opportunity to discuss their needs and expectations more explicitly and openly. Agreements about whether or not to allow sex with outside partners are complex. The spectrum of agreement types couples may adopt is broad and in many cases there is substantial overlap in the ways couples conceptualize their agreements as well as what behaviors they allow.
Overlap in agreement type, however, should not be mistaken for a shared sense of how those agreements operate within relationships or how they are labeled or understood by couples. For example, an agreement allowing sex with a third person could be labeled as monogamy by one couple or as polyamory i. Thus, it becomes critical to understand the range of perceptions that may be attached to labels such as monogamy so that HIV prevention messages do not overlook those who perceive similar behaviors differently.
Couples who report discrepant agreements present unique challenges to HIV prevention, as it is unclear exactly why partners may give different responses when asked whether or not, and to what degree, they allow sex with outside partners. It is also unclear what effect those discrepancies have on sexual behavior and HIV risk. Discrepancies may be the result of an agreement in transition. That is, neither partner may fully understand what his agreement is because it, or some aspect of it, is being negotiated or re-negotiated.
Discrepancies could also be the result of the lack or absence of an agreement, which might be of particular importance where couples just beginning their relationships are concerned. Motivations for having agreements about outside sex were also varied and HIV transmission and prevention were revealed to be a distant second in terms of the concerns couples vetted when they formed their agreements. When HIV did emerge as a concern, most participants agreed that being safe with outside partners was important for their own and their partners' health and safety.
These concerns around HIV, however, were almost exclusively discussed when participants were asked about safer sex practices. HIV rarely appeared in the participants' discussions of their agreements and when it did, it was usually in the context of a reported benefit to having an agreement e. Thus, HIV appeared most often as an afterthought, rather than an issue that was considered during the negotiation of that agreement.
On one hand, the fact that participants with agreements allowing sex with outside partners expected their partners to be safe suggests that taking precautions was the norm and therefore not worthwhile belaboring. Most couples were motivated to have agreements because it benefited their relationship.
For example, trusting one's partner to be monogamous or to be safe with outside sex partners deepened the emotional bonds couples shared. Agreements also provided boundaries, which supported couples in their knowledge of where they stood with each other. Finally, agreements helped couples prioritize different aspects of their relationship.
Disclosing broken agreements supported relationships by airing secrets and minimizing distance between partners. The process of renegotiating broken agreements gave participants the opportunity to revisit their needs and desires with their partners and gave couples an additional opportunity at making a clearer, more explicit agreement. However, consistent with other studies, there were several instances reported where partners were not informed of a broken agreement Kippax et al. Those who did not disclose broken agreements reported emotional distance from their partner and, to a lesser extent, concern over their own and their partner's health.
There were noteworthy differences in agreements with regard to couple serostatus. Concordant negative couples were motivated to make agreements that allowed them to have unprotected sex with each other. For most couples, this translated into having a monogamous agreement or requiring that outside sex was safe. Additionally, several concordant negative couples emphasized getting tested for HIV together, as testing represented a crucial step in the development of their relationship and agreements.
Trust featured prominently among negative couples: Trust has been associated with a higher likelihood of making negotiated safety agreements among gay men in steady relationships in the Netherlands. Still, a few monogamous, concordant negative couples reported breaking their agreement and not disclosing it. Given that these couples have unprotected sex together, undisclosed broken agreements within this group may be particularly dangerous.
This was the case among participants in a longitudinal study in Sydney, Australia. Men who recently seroconverted as a result of having unprotected sex with their main partner reported that they had trusted that their partner was indeed HIV-negative and monogamous. Finding out they had been betrayed in addition to becoming infected with HIV was devastating Kippax et al. Concordant positive couples were more likely to have vague agreements with regard to specific sexual behaviors than concordant negative or discordant couples. In general, positive couples showed a great deal of concern for each others' health and many vocalized their anxieties about HIV re-infection or super-infection and co-infection with other STDs.
Discordant couples reported the most articulate and detailed agreements, including the specific sexual behaviors they could engage in with each other and with outside partners. Discordant couples were also the most explicit about safety. Discussions of safety were camped in two separate but related concerns: That discordant couples were more explicit about safety than concordant negative and concordant positive couples seems logical given that one partner was HIV-positive and one was HIV-negative. So, although discordant couples took care in establishing rules to keep sex safe, they may fall short in their ability to adhere to these rules consistently.
It could also be that some couples employ strategic positioning strategies where, for example, the HIV-negative partner is insertive during anal sex Van de Ven et al. Additional research is needed to examine the specific sex behaviors discordant couples engage in and the understandings they have with regard to risk. Although the present study offers novel information about the agreements gay couples make about outside sex, it should be noted that it is not without its limitations.
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